On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
Hey babe, chan wants you to stop texting her about the size of TJ's dick. please.
I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.
I guess it was more of a nightmare.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
I made $80 at the club last night by telling him he was like a wild pony and I just wanted to tame him
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
im just letting you know I walked in on you with four different guys last night. a. you were all naked. b. they're all roommates
Randomize
