I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
I woke up to 30 angry texts and her Chihuahua in my room. Can you drop him off for me?
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
you better come over.. I need a witness to help prove the couch talks to me
Randomize
