i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
I'm so proud of us for not dying.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Just realized tomorrow is the anniversary of the time Dean and I glued DJ's leg back together with Neosporin and an Ace bandage. I'm bringing red velvet cupcakes to the party to celebrate.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Randomize
