Glitter + Penis = Best. Idea. Ever.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wouldn't take my shot so you poured it on my face. Twice.
there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.
she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.
It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
woke up and you werent here...its ok if we're never going to speak again but my furry hand cuffs are missing and i would like them back. thanks.
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He sounds like Chris Tucker and wants to eat me out when I’m on my period. If that isn’t love I don’t know what is.
Randomize
