I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
I feel dirty and I went home alone. Bars should be like airlines and make fat girls pay double for everything.
Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
If Anthony Weiner can get in trouble for sexting 2 or 3 girls I dunno how politicians will make it in 10 years.
Lol I would vote for a guy that is trying to be a senator that has a viral video of him motorboating a topless chick
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
If I die it's either cuz I undercooked my burger or because I used questionable cheese. I have no pants on, so if there's a wellness check, you go in first.
When the theology professor asked me what touched me most about this trip to Rome, I guess "the guy from last night" wasn't the proper response.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
he'll eat me out, but god forbid we double dip when sharing salsa
Do you realize our room single-handedly hooked up with most of that wedding party last night?
Randomize
