Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.
she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..
the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE
All that fucking tequilla made my head feel like it's inside of a body builder's asshole. He's doing squats.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Last night I dreamt that I sold my car and used the money to have wheels surgically implanted in my feet and legs so I became a human heely and I just rolled everywhere
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
half way down the stairs my legs said fuck this and i just fell the rest of the way...
Randomize
