last nights makeup is better than no makeup at all.
My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
Just considered the plausability of using my detachable showerhead as a beer bong. Has my life really devolved to this?
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.
Only you would have to block the fucking governor of Tennessee from reading your tweets
Heres a quick tip! When getting black out head from your girlfriend dont come to and say "wait... wheres my girlfriend"
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I'm content with our "friends with accidental benefits" situation.
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
I was in line at Panera when I got the pic you sent to your coworker. I just showed your vag to a soccer mom. The vibrator was a nice touch.
Randomize
