when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
By the power invested in me i promise you hot wedding sex at my wedding.
I did not have sex with him because he had a puppy…finding out he had a husky pup waiting back at home was just an unexpected plus
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
mate iv just woke up in the garden. either help me inside or bring out my vodka
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
If you have been drunk at one point during the day and are going to bed sober that same day, something is very wrong.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
Randomize
