I just watered my plants with apple juice. Look what you made me do.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I will seriously deflate and melt into the floor into a puddle of devestation, shame and vodka.
I packed spaghetti and rum. But panties? Nah
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
you said something about joining a k-pop band before passing out topless on the trampoline.
Someone fucked a stripper in their rental car, there is goddamn glitter everywhere.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
QUIT BEING A BITCH, DRINK SOME PEPTO, AND PUKE ON OUR FOES
He heard our neighbor’s vibrator through the wall, knocked on her door and now they’re doing it
The blonde?!? That’s just unfair! His penis already has a fairy tale existence
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