Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party
You kept telling that ginger girl, "it's not your fault, it's not your fault, it's not your fault."
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
It's national "dress up your pet day" come over. Drugs and dressed up cats..it's the shit dreams are made of.
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
Having a bangable neighbor is going to ruin my booty call game. I refuse to go across town for dick now
Randomize
