why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!
I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
We just took an Eskimo family picture.. It's pretty cute honestly
Now: to brush my teeth, put on my grandma slippers and earplugs, masturbate to 50 Shades and then PTFO
i almost threw up on his dick. its like icarus, flew too close to the sun. except the sun is his dick and my throat was icarus
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Randomize
