his facebook status quotes britney spears so there is always that
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Then again, I'm single and napping with a stuffed yoda doll...so I'm not the world's authority on shit.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
This is my gift to your gina
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
I've had more lap dances than hrs of sleep since Thursday, this is why you're planning all three of my bachelor parties
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
We found him. He just came running out of the closet with a bruise on his face saying he has been fighting elves in Narnia for a year.
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
