I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I want the hot one, scratch that. anyone.
you kept wiggling your finger at everybody at the party telling us this is how he fingered me. you seemed pretty upset about it.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon
Just woke up bloody and clutching a rear view mirror I'm pretty sure is from my car. For those of you keeping score at home this is why I stopped drinking four loko.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Randomize
