the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I do no wrong. I am always right. Right? I forget why I am sending this. It seemed relevant.
probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time
i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
Then he texted me that I was the "good kind" of fat.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
Great. I will show up in your office wearing only oven mitts later today.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
Remind me to tell you about how I hit a tree with my car last night.
I'll be glad to.
Great, now I'm picturing myself as a fucking garden gnome
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