Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.
i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b
Minus the pink eye. Do I look fuckable tonight?
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
Post breakup Disney World may be my best idea ever! Tinkerbell just grabbed my dick and gave me a kiss! This really is the happiest place on earth!
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
Also, being stuck with my family all week has made it very clear that I need to be drunk and I need to be fucked pronto
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
...its technically supposed to be for the bridal shower but I think I can find an ensemble that says "im hopped up on x. Stick your tongue down my throat." As well as " im supporting your marriage to my brother"
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
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