She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever
Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
facebook is just a cold reminder of all the times other bitches won my hookups
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Are you drinking tequila at 1pm? ...at Disneyland?
Randomize
