I think she heard me call her a fat skank. But she was to be fair.
How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
That was the apt with beer in the juice and the floor caving in. Don't go.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
My bathing suit kept falling whenever I went under a wave and this kid caught on and kept checking them out so I told him nothing comes free $5 a boob
30-degree weather + Metal Cockring Monday = really hard to pee.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
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