1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I like how she turned her beer into a wet t-shirt contest
Life lesson: when driving and throwing up, choose a paper bag over plastic. Fuck my life.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?
She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
Can I write your parents a thank-you note for your huge dick?
I feel like im becoming the girl who only drunk texts him. I would be in the dog house, if situations like this had dog houses.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Randomize
