I look better un-naked...
Her vagina turned into a vuvuzela. I didn't know it was a possible to have a wet nightmare.
I don't want to talk about her cat for two hours only to dry hump till I'm blistered. Not worth it.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
Tell me why I woke up outside of our hotel room Wearing a cowboy hat and boots in Las Vegas.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
The modern romantic, surprising his gf w/ a gram of blow
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
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