We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
if you didn' use the plastic sword on the cop. maybe this wouldn't have happened.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Peru was great. He sent me a text after thanking me for my amazing morals which confused me but made me oddly proud...then he texted a correction. He meant my amazing oral. Sadly this Made me prouder. Fuck u bitches and ur morally inhibiting gag reflexes.
Randomize
