So remember when i bet you that girl uses dick to validate her existence?
...yea
She's valid.
I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.
please don't let me die tonight
what have you done for me lately?
Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.
I ordered a moonbounce.
Fuck, you win.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.
He just dragged himself across the floor on his back claiming to be "the swiffer" help
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I promised myself in the hospital that I would give up drinking for however long the cast stayed on. Thank god it was only soft tissue and not a fracture.
I'm unsure as to how you were able to snapchat me with your hands duck taped to beer, but I appreciated it nonetheless.
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Randomize
