I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
who started the 'put a scrunchy' around his balls' game?
She said, I've heard about you, from girls you wouldn't even be interested in. What?
I'm on tinder and every time somebody says something too creepy for me I start quoting scripture at them. My boobs are like missionaries.
come over we're fb stalking guys who were dressed as bananas last night because i can't remember which one i blew
He literally just patted me on the vagina and said goodnight to it.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
Nothing like an afternoon walk of shame across campus on parent's weekend. Damn.
That's the 3rd negative pregnancy test this month. I'm on a roll.
Randomize
