Do you know how easy it would be to shoplift if I was a magician?!
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Going to be a long day. text me later. Sorry I puked in your sink.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
Ladies and gentlemen, the only person I know who would keg stand in pearls and a bow.
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Bitch how dare you drink my dos equis
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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