2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.
Dude I'm riding a fucking tortoise this is awesome you should come with me more often
I'll always remember you bringing me that pregnancy test in the middle of an ice storm. Best friend ever.
There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Stop making fun of my hookups!
Stop getting hookups that I can make fun of!
Did you get good sleep?
I dreamt that I was a lipstick lesbian in the 1950s, working at Walgreens and solving mysteries.
So yes.
Randomize
