Im glad youre not pregnant with that New Jersey assholes baby. Your vagina would have smelled worse than Newark.
i just google searched 'can you pop your ovary'
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
No, I am not setting up my roomba to clean up puke.
Not a clue. But I did find out that his penis has a British accent.
I haven't even booked my flights yet and I have my drug supply sorted
i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
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