are you still at the devil's house?
I haven't seen him in over a year. He asked me to his prom over myspace. Is he fucking serious?
did you make any bad decisions?
many, i pretty much fell in love with a freshman...it doesn't get much better than that
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
I just discovered I can sober up while teaching class
He's in a nude suit, bald, with a pink headband and a black sharpie streak down his forehead.
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
Suspicion confirmed. my mom has her nipples pierced
Way to crack the case Nancy Drew
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Randomize
