I think my grandma died before she was convinced I was straight
I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
I told my new friends about my possible new chin. They said I should get my nose done first. Please tell me I'm pretty or something.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
