I never want to see another naked old woman again.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
dont seek real advice from me tonight cause its always gonna end with we should have sex
I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.
Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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