Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You chest bumped everyone we walked by on the way home... Even girls
I think we need to have a day of drinking in classes. I know we don't share any, but sacrifices need to be made.
There is not enough soap in the world to make me feel clean after last night. Im gonna need jesus for this one
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
Lo siento on account of my penis...
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
Randomize
