I want you more than these girls want KFC
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.
You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
He smoked and I was tired so left before we did anything. I literally left him high and dry.
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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