Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Dude, we took our shirts off and set our chest hair on fire. That's a low point.
You raise a valid concern
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
After I came she just held my balls until I fell asleep. It was like adult swaddling. Magical...
She took me to ER. She says thought it was a squirtgun filled with vodka and she was 'marking me for later.' Thank god it's a flesh wound, and we're cool and going to date.
gtg, the cops are here
Chicks dig it when you smell like bong water and frebreeze.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
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