I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
Since my computer broke, i've been masterbating to girls gone wild. I feel like i'm in the 90's.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.
My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
Me ending up in the fetal position in my shower is becoming far too commonplace. It's like a weekly therapy session
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
I threw up in bed last night and tried cleaning it with oldspice and baby powder
And then he tried to convince me that he could wear a condom instead of pants to go out.
Randomize
