I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.
Grandma's bordering on serious shit show territory at this point.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
Just don’t be like me and break up between Christmas and NYE and then get blackout on NYE and puke in your undies.
Randomize
