I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
you are never too drunk for berry picking
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
I wanna die. I can't recall the last time I was happy that doesn't involve your hand touching my butt.
pizza hut and my weed lady just showed up at the same time. I feel 22 again.
You lost me at unexpected butt stuff. Everything else I would probably do.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
everything I love is going to destroy me, so if coconuts are the answer, so be it.
Randomize
