Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I've officially moved beyond college drinking. I just got business drunk at an internship seminar.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
You would think that me seductively unzipping my cat feetie pajamas would make him want to fuck me.
I will turn myself into a beacon of get at me bro
I'm also sorry that I ate your chicken sandwich while you were throwing up....
I feel like I beer bonged a ton of asbestos
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
I don't think "growing medical marijuana" is Quite what my Grandfather had in mind when he thought me about gardening as a child
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
Randomize
