My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
you're like a bully in the Christmas story
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza
not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
how did you know i stayed over last night?
there was a trail of glow sticks and cheetos from the front door all the way to his bedroom
All I really remember is thinking that the music looked like beautiful lizard waves in my head
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
color coded lube a great way to organize my bootie calls
Randomize
