she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.
But like now I know, men who are vegetarians are significantly worse in bed.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
It's Christmas. You could splurge on something a LITTLE fancier than wine in a box.
I'll give you a blowjob in a Santa hat if it will put you in the Christmas spirit
All I know is I woke up cuddling a jar of peanut butter....
He lives 20 minutes away driving distance and decided to walk. I talked to him today and he took a nap along the way... In a cemetery.
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
No I'm not high but I did cry for over an hour tonight because I realized that they never made a sequel to "Under the Tuscan Sun" with Diane Lane.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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