so ur a construction worker, male escort, sex god and surfer? lol
well its been awhile since I've surfed
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
We found her. She's owling on the sink in the bathroom.
It wasn't like a party or anything. They played PlayStation and talked about sports. Then I threw up on his porch.
he attacked my vagina with the force of a thousand suns
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I'm really just disappointed in myself for having sex with a musical theater major
I'm trying to cause a divorce, your hooking up with a felon, I think we need Jesus.
I am convinced you could sleep through the apocalypse and only wake up because youre hungry & want Dominoes
I have to close one eye, because I don't wanna see two movies, I only want to see one.
Randomize
