If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.
Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Next time when I try to seductively eat onion rings while drunk remind me of tonight.
not to be a dick but do you remember the names of all your friends i made out with after we broke up?
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Nothing says male bonding like watching porn with your grandpa
I just don't remember. It's like I went to bed on July 3rd.. and woke up on the 5th. Nothing.
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
Please don't throw the wedding bouquet at me
Enough talk of my burning loins. How is your day?
Ugh. I just found a cum stain on my mermaid pants. Now I can't return them.
Randomize
