just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
He said in a slur "I go so hard, even when I..." and cut himself off by projectile vomiting all over the ice luge.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
I can't decide if this outfit makes me look like a pirate. I also can't decide if I care if it does.
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
Woke up with a throbbing vagina and a lesbian in my bed. Then for the hell of it we had morning sex. Definitley bisexual now
Passed out in someones front yard last night. Got woke u?p by a lady walking her dog at 6am. Rock bottom.
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