she didnt even puke last nite, shes finally hit champion status. i think im in love
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
i called him pencil dick in front of over half of his fraternity brothers...
...never gotten so many high fives in my life! fuck ya i win!
17 year olds will be the death of me.
I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
it wasnt a pity fuck per say. i wasnt attracted to her, but still thought 'that looks like a fun ride'
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm sorry for getting drunk and throwing a robo-bird at you.
Your vagina needs to teach my vagina its ways.
High. As. Fuck. I thought the kid next to me didn't have an arm for like 2 hours.
Hahahaha I'm glad you woke me up with this text.
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