If she catches me sniffing the seat of her office chair again, she's either going to fire me or fuck me
Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
We probably are going to die. So. Thanks for agreeing to be my Maid of Honor even though I torture you.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
"Fwd: Nice to meet you last night thanks for the tit flash" no recollec. i am officially banned from wearing tube tops to the bar.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
yeah, my mom got it for me because it had animals AND alcohol.
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