From inside my college history class i see him waving his arms while holding a beer bong trying to get my attention
you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
There was a lot of him and a little penis
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?
Honestly it's a super power. I can try it a million different ways and nothing happens. Donnie casually says "ok this is now a toppless party" and it all kicks-off
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
This is why we can never be together. Well that and we r married to other ppl but that's very minor detail compared to the coffee issue
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
where the fuck are you? she just tazed two people and we're tripping shrooms...successful first night in new apartment!
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Almost gave myself a concussion stealing a stuffed unicorn hanging on a street sign but hey I got home safe
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