Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
Kareoke will never be a sober sport
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Aaaaand now he just flexed his muscles at me and said "I'm a fucking eagle!"
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
I was just thinking about our drunk conversation about having sex with elephants the other night. Love you bud. Stay strong.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
You "drove" the computer chair around the party for a good fifteen minutes. you would crash into things, freak out, and yell for an ambulance.
It's only 9 and these two girls are already walking around Walmart barefoot and holding their heels. WE NEED TO STEP IT UP.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
