Listen the way I know if I'm drunk is if I have stage fright in the pisser if I do then I'm not drunk! And I definitely still do right now!
Uhh me and Jacque peed on the street outside the bar last night and wiped with flowers. I vaguely remember her repeating the word "fresh" over and over.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Just listened to a full Christian rock song, loved it,listened to the dj send a prayer to a 4th grader who was having a tough year and realized I'm high as fuk
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
I put on pants and a bra for you and you never showed up. There is no forgiveness for that.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
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