I got to see an enormous amount of vagina this morning.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Life lesson: using the oven as a heater= $500 electric bill
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
You're only allowed to hookup with one freshman a semester. MAKE IT COUNT.
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Randomize
