She just asked me if her C-section scar turned me on.
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
Way to ruin everything
I am drinking jager with a cat, your argument is invalid
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
It was like getting a handjob from a frost giant
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I woke up this morning to pee and six dollar bills fell out of my underwear. I guess that lap dance just bought me lunch.
when I found u, u were using a t-shirt for pants
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