I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
Okay you totally passed out. Ask me about the bike parking garage and the expired baby formula in the morning.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
i thought i should point out that whatever else you can say about me, i've still gotten high with a midget.
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
This girl came outta nowhere yelling HOLD MY DICKKKKKK!
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Dude get over here. Steven brought super soakers filled with colored vodka.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I have so much to do, no motivation, and Harry Potter is on. You KNOW whats taking priority in my life right now
Randomize
