I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow
As in ill only blow him next week
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Are taco bell cups microwave safe? I can't make that judgement right now
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
I'm drunk and I have your birth certificate
you wouldn't let anybody come in after ten. everybody was standing outside and you just yelled "BEING PUNCTUAL IS IMPORTANT" and slammed the door. i dont think you should be allowed to have parties anymore
it concerns me that i was already that drunk at 10
What's rude is him not accepting my blowjob offer. What kind of guy denies that.
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I just watched someone put a diaper on a cat..I'm to high for this.
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