there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
sometimes I think that if I just met him. he would have a crazy realization and fall madly in love with me. what do you say? I'm not just another fan.
Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics
So recap time do u remember biting that girls hand?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I send out my deepest condolences for seeing my ass last night.
Why did I just find out you and Andrew had sex right next to my face when I passed out on the beach?
At the time it seemed romantic and its also extremely frowned down upon to leave a passed out person by themselves in an unfamiliar place.
Why did I wake up by myself then?
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
I'm eating a bagel on the toilet and watching porn. Trust me, I've got my priorities straight.
Does sending her to the conference instead of a competent employee and putting her in a suite make up for banging her husband behind her back?
No, but she’ll have a nice memory when she gets dumped and fired on the same day.
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