Last night was an abortion. I might need a publicist.
I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.
This sounds like "Sober" Ericka. Sorry that message wasn't for you. I only do business with "Fell off the wagon" Ericka. Please pass that message along to her.
They only knew me as the lesbian that passed out in a bathtub. That's not what you call friendship.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
He said i got a new job lets blow this money he bought 4 bottles at the club he is now crying after seeing the reciept
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
We need to stop calling him that. I definitely said “Fuck me harder Swizzle Dick“ while we were doing it and it got weird
He should appreciate that I recommend that corkscrew cock of his! I’m getting him laid
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