New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
It involved anal and pop rocks. Tell me how that could have ended well.
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
