I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Jesus, I think this onesie was designed to keep me from masturbating.
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
What's the world record for number of orgasms reached on ones birthday? Asking for a friend.
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
it's 1043 pm. still havent changed out of the shirt i wore last night so at this point i figure i'll go for twosies.
Randomize
