I'm pretty sure the only race ive ever won was to my mothers egg
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Tis a story best told in person, it involves a golf course, police and vomit
It usually does with you
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face
We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.
I'm pretty sure my moms getting nailed in the bathroom right now while I'm chaperoning. God damn it.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Just an FYI i'm going to get drunk as shit while you are on duty and attempt to not fall into the bathtub again.
Rodger that.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
He didn't even get to the first chorus of Hotel California before he started convulsing on top of me.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
last night we watched this really loud chick try and pick up this smoking french guy who's english was sooo bad. she finally pointed at her beer and then her vagine
gross
like you've never done an interperative dance for sex, please
Unless it involves a lot of whiskey, an ACDC concert, and a guy named Juan from the Philippines, then I'm not interested.
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