I got a hennah tattoo of my room number on my arm...I love spring break in Mexico!
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?
It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.
I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
The lady at walmart just said she is so happy im still alive....Was i that drunk on the 4th? Dont answer that
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
I had sex in an engineering office last night. So that could be your life. I was mounted on top of a sketch of a future parking lot for a maintenance building. If that's not romantic, idk what is
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
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