I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
Trying not to fart in the comp lab is going to take everything i've got.
at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.
We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love
we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I guess crabs is what I get for sleeping with my ex.
He was just lying on the living room floor watching Star Wars with six empty pack of cigarettes and two empty cases of beer.
In his defence I guess I did take the bed, couch and dining room set in the breakup.
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
Apparently I have decided there are no repercussions for my actions
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I don't know what the hell I'm going to do with myself when this is all over. I'll probably just go back to smoking pot and trying to learn italian.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
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