I think i found piece of your tooth in my dick this morning when i took a shower
remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,
Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom
If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.
I inadvertently smoked 6 blunts at one time. We just kept passing them around...I didn't know what happened until it was over. I can't walk.
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
I thought my period ended but I felt it again as soon as Pitbull started playing
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I don't understand why she gets annoyed by my drunk texts. It means she's who I'm thinking about even when my brain isn't functioning properly.
YOU DONT EAT A GIRL OUT AND THEN GO PUKE ASSHOLE
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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