he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm
You act as if I'm the first person to pee in the Taco Bell drive thru at 2 AM, I'm sure a lot worse things have happen in that drive thru than my urine.
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
You forget how awesome toilet paper is until you have to wipe your ass with a piece of notebook paper...
I went by my nickname in rehab. It made it feel more like summer camp.
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
Once upon a time I threw up in my own hands last night.
I just got a rock from a customer. Weirdest. Tip. Ever.
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
Randomize
